I'm so confused ...

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Steffi Evenstar · #1 Post by **Steffi Evenstar** » Sun Sep 26, 2004 11:04 pm

so, i thought i had it all worked out. thought it was all figured out and i'd be able to move along with life, enjoying my senior year all the while.

nope.

thursday night, i got over my crush on Kile. yippiee for that. Friday night, i went to a local bar with Jeremy, this guy i was quite interested in last year, but he decided he didn't feel the same way, and his way of dealing with that was to stop speaking to me and pretend i didn't exist. anyway, several of my frat sisters got involved, things got nasty, but now, we're friends, and i want to keep it nothing more than that. so, we went to the bar, had a nice time, and it does seem i've got a good friend there. so that's worked out.

like i said, i thought it was all settled. everything in my life, settled down.

yesterday, this guy i dated briefly, Orian, was in town for this family picnic thing. he invited me to come, so, i went. i spent the day hanging out with him and a friend of his from his school. i had a really nice time. when i had to leave, he walked me to my car, and when he hugged me, i started crying. i don't know why. anyway, we ended up kissing.

i know i have no future with Orian. it didn't work out with us before for many reasons, and it wouldn't work out this time because of the same reasons. but i can't get him out of my mind. i can't get that kiss out of my mind. maybe it's because it's the first time i've been kissed in over 2 years. maybe it's because he's an exceptionally good kisser. maybe ... i don't know.

i know i have a chance of a future with Brandon, but that in all likelihood will have to wait until i move to CA. if i even go. i've got such a struggle ahead of me to get out there, and it's going to be a struggle for quite some time.

i know i probably just have "love the one you're with" syndrome, but the thing is, Orian is going to school 3 hours from here. it's not like he's right here and possibly available to date.

this is sucking, big time. i'm about to just lose it and start crying right now, and the only thing holding me back is that i'm in the computer lab in the Creative Arts Center and the only other person in here is one I don't know very well, and one i wouldn't feel comfortable crying in front of.

i have no one to talk to right now. no one is around. i really need someone to talk to, but i have no one.

sorry for taking your time if you read this.

Spikey · #2 Post by **Spikey** » Sun Sep 26, 2004 11:37 pm

anathoth8 · #3 Post by **anathoth8** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 12:47 am

Hmm. Well, love is nothing if not confusing.

I've often discovered that diagnosing emotions in yourself can be very difficult. You may feel one way, and have no idea why. You may think you feel something, and find out later that it was something completely different.

The best advice I can give is to not be overly dramatic about everything. This may come across as really harsh, but it is not meant to be so. A few kisses does not inevitably lead to things deeper. Neither does having a crush on someone.

On the other hand, you may find that your crush was not actually what you thought it was in the beginning. Maybe you just felt an emotional connection with this person, but it was nothing else. Even if you never date or anything, he might still become one of those people that you can tell anything to.

Aside from that, I think you should just try to relax a little bit. Don't spend your time obsessed over when the next boy will come along. You should try to find out who you are and be happy with who you are. This is, of course, not a simple thing to do. But once you discover that you can be happy without being in a relationship, when that special person does come along, it will be just that much better.

Gee, I'm starting to sound like Dear Abby here so I guess I will wrap it up.

Good luck, Steffi. Follow your heart.

Klytos · #4 Post by **Klytos** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 1:51 am

Love stinks.

Senor Matt · #5 Post by **Senor Matt** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 6:44 am

Spikey wrote:

What he said...

But seriously Steffi, I hope you're feeling better now than you were when you wrote that post. It sounded to me that you just really needed someone to vent to at that moment and these forums seem to be commonly used for that.

If you can stand taking some more advice, it seems to me that you have a lot of stressful things going on in your life right now, and maybe that hug and kiss were just enough of a trigger to bring some pent up emotions to the surface. Just because it happened to be Orian kissing you doesn't necessarily mean those emotions had anything to do with him. The mind and the body don't always want the same thing, and many times the body just reacts to some stimuli and the mind later rationalizes the reaction. Maybe your body had just been longing for some physical contact, and a hug from someone you had previously been romantically involved with triggered more of an emotional release than you had thought it would, and once that had happened it was easy to get caught up in the moment.

But at any rate, this seems to me like your emotions stem from some deeper anxiety, or desire. Try to think about what has really been stressing you out lately and see if there might possibly be some connection between the stresses and the kiss.

Hope you feel better soon...

P.S. On a lighter note; you're planning to move to Cali? Cool, that's where I am, which part are you moving to?

Blackthorne519 · #6 Post by **Blackthorne519** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 3:22 pm

Don't worry.

In a drunken stupor, I said something like "Sex is a horrific and embaressing experience......" to my girlfriend. I was kidding, but she tends to take me seriously at times. Then she freaked out, because she thought that's how I really felt about it. And I don't think she believed me when I told her I was sleeping around, because I did tell her, honestly, that I've never slept with anyone I've cared about, let alone loved. The only time sex was horrific and embaressing was the first time..... heh. Oh boy..... anyway, now I have a paranoid girlfriend who thinks I don't want to sleep with her.

Heh. Idiot me.

I have a mess to clean up. Anyway, everyone messes up!

Bt

Klytos · #7 Post by **Klytos** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 2:56 am

BT, you'd think that the sex would be horrific WITH you, not for you.

Quest For Glory Fan · #8 Post by **Quest For Glory Fan** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 3:01 am

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH now you got burned

Blackthorne519 · #9 Post by **Blackthorne519** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:04 am

It's okay, Klitos can burn me. He's had sex with me.

Bt

Senor Matt · #10 Post by **Senor Matt** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:10 am

Ummm ok, BT and Klitos, I think I speak for everyone in the forum when I say... EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blackthorne519 · #11 Post by **Blackthorne519** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:05 pm

Senor Matt wrote:Ummm ok, BT and Klitos, I think I speak for everyone in the forum when I say... EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you speak for me too when you say that. In fact, I'm sure you speak for Klitos too.

Bt

Steffi Evenstar · #12 Post by **Steffi Evenstar** » Wed Sep 29, 2004 3:29 am

thanks to all of you.

i think i just had to let it all out, and just get it off my chest. i've talked about it with several people who know me quite well - including my best friend since 7th grade, my roommate, and an ex-boyfriend - and from talking to them, i've figured out that i've got a combination of "love the one you're with" syndrome, the fact i hadn't been kissed in 2 years before Orian kissed me, and the fact that I'm going through a LOT of changes right now - yeah, it's no wonder that my mind is going kaput. top it off, *female alert*, i'm PMSing, so my capacity for rational thought is diminished.

Thanks, though. You all are wonderful.

Gronagor · #13 Post by **Gronagor** » Wed Sep 29, 2004 7:04 am

$:\$

Steffi, I'm pretty sure you're not ready to settle down. It sounds to me you're having a pretty nice time at this stage. (I think most people here would kill to be this 'confused')

All I'm saying: you don't need to sound as if it's the end of your world! *phew!*

Quest For Glory Fan · #14 Post by **Quest For Glory Fan** » Wed Sep 29, 2004 7:34 pm

Blackthorne519 wrote:
Senor Matt wrote:Ummm ok, BT and Klitos, I think I speak for everyone in the forum when I say... EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you speak for me too when you say that. In fact, I'm sure you speak for Klitos too.

Bt

HAHAHHA Bt continues to make me laugh till i cry. never thought my comments could lead to something so hilarious. But remeber Bt don't say stuff like that ANYWHERE else....except maybe in one of your games

Senor Matt · #15 Post by **Senor Matt** » Thu Sep 30, 2004 12:32 am

Ya know Steffi my dear, you never did tell me what part of California you want to move out to...

Who knows, maybe if you move to a spot that's not too far from where I live we could have the forums first real life meeting sometime in the future.

Steffi Evenstar · #16 Post by **Steffi Evenstar** » Thu Sep 30, 2004 3:31 am

haha - sorry Matt! I must have missed that.

I'm hoping to go to seminary in San Francisco.

Senor Matt · #17 Post by **Senor Matt** » Fri Oct 01, 2004 7:55 am

Really? I only live about an hour away from there, less than an hour actually.
Hmmm...

Klytos · #18 Post by **Klytos** » Fri Oct 01, 2004 2:10 pm

I'm so confused ...

you think men are confusing? try being one and trying to understand women...bloody headache. (notice there was no F-word in there this time, toning down the language for the two kids who read this forum...)

#19 Post by **Erpy** » Fri Oct 01, 2004 2:13 pm

Klitos, perhaps you can read your PM's and follow my advice, just to save the both of us some further embarrasment.

Klytos · #20 Post by **Klytos** » Fri Oct 01, 2004 2:18 pm

Erpy, i see you still have your understanding avater on. When a post becomes a pissed off avatar then i might start to listen. besides, i believe that i make more sense when drunk than when sober. stand to reason really, i'm normally a dickhead and now i'm drunk i'm normal.

Skyshark · #21 Post by **Skyshark** » Fri Oct 01, 2004 3:07 pm

Klitos, RE: Your disappeared thread, quit being a chicken**** and ask her out. I'd say your previous fling is busy is Pommyland by the sounds of things, so I'd say move onto the next target.

Erpy: Don't worry about this message, I'm sure he'll be sober by the time he reads it and will understand.

Blackthorne519 · #22 Post by **Blackthorne519** » Fri Oct 01, 2004 5:53 pm

Oh the Lament of the Drunk post......

I used to be confused by it all, love I mean. But this girl I'm with now, she spins my damn head! Heh. And I used to be a cynic of Renodox proportions. Sometimes, it just happens.

Bt