Should I be ticked off?

Message

Steffi Evenstar · #1 Post by **Steffi Evenstar** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:36 pm

Okay, here's the story ...

As most of you know, I've been here in California for a week. It hasn't been the easiest time - I've been really lonely, (my new roommate is away on business), and it's been tough.

One problem I've had is that I've pushed myself too hard, physically. I don't have a car here, so I bought a bike. Because I took it really hard right away, I'm having severe back pain. (I've had it off and on for about 5 years now, and when it flares up like this .. yeah) I can barely stand up if I've been sitting, and if I'm lying down, it's even harder.

I still have a lot of stuff I need to get done, top of the list being buying my textbooks (I'll need at least 15. Go grad school.), buying a TV, and doing heavy duty grocery shopping. I can't do it alone right now. I'm in too much pain to do heavy lifting, and I definetly can't carry this stuff the distance I need to walk.

I hate having to ask for help, but last night, I realized I couldn't do this stuff alone. I finally e-mailed Brandon, explained the situation to him, offered to pay for his gas and food, and asked if there was any way he could come up here to help.

His reponse?

I get an e-mail lecture about giving up and that I can figure it out myself.

So, I'm pretty pissed off. If he's too busy to make it up here, I can understand that - but, he needs to say it. If he did flat out say, "I'm too busy to get there right now, but, maybe you could do...", yeah, I could dig that. But for him to just flat out lecture me...

The day he picked me up for the airport, I felt like I was just inconviencing him. I IM'd him that night to thank him for his help, and that I appreciated it. His response? "Anytime." I take him up on that, and I get a lecture.

So, should I be mad, or am I just overreacting?

Quest For Glory Fan · #2 Post by **Quest For Glory Fan** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:49 pm

Well, we don't really know Brandon so this might just be how he is but personally I think you should not be ticked off. Expecting someone to drop everything to go down to california to buy some textbooks is just not expected from anyone. Maybe he was a bit off on lecturing you but it also could have been his way of showing he cares. Is he in California or close by it though?

Steffi Evenstar · #3 Post by **Steffi Evenstar** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 9:06 pm

yeah, he lives about an hour or so from here.

Blackthorne519 · #4 Post by **Blackthorne519** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 10:47 pm

Yeah, be pissed.

Bt

Quest For Glory Fan · #5 Post by **Quest For Glory Fan** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 11:16 pm

ya. I'd say so but just for the lecture.

Klytos · #6 Post by **Klytos** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 11:23 pm

Be pissed.

VampD3 · #7 Post by **VampD3** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 8:59 am

Steffi coming from another girl, I would be very angry!! It does depend however how the email was phrased and how you asked him for help etc, but in general he should be there for you!!

Be angry, don't contact him till he contacts you!!

Vildern · #8 Post by **Vildern** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 9:30 am

I would be angry as well, like Vamp.

But, perhaps it's because I've a frail character, I would not stop contacting him. I would contact him and tell him how I feel, hoping he would understand.

Klytos · #9 Post by **Klytos** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 10:41 am

VampD3 wrote:Be angry, don't contact him till he contacts you!!

Yep, how many guys make the first move in this situation?

VampD3 · #10 Post by **VampD3** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 12:03 pm

Exactly Klitos.

I wouldn't contact him and tell him how you feel as most men don't care that much. Well they care but aren't bothered by it. He would probably class it as you going on about nothing.

If you mean something to him then he would have no choice but to contact you if you hadn't talked for awhile. If he doesn't then he isn't bothered.

#11 Post by **Milan Easton** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 7:13 pm

There are a few things here that stand out in my mind. First off, you just moved to California--I'm wondering why, this boyfriend of yours, isn't doing everything in his power to be around you seeing that you are a new resident of his State. When I like someone, I want to be around them!

Secondly, you're injured. Now, I'm probably the most likely of anyone to give a pep talk to people and let them know if they just work harder, they can accomplish any task. For this reason, I can put myself in your boyfriend's shoes where that is concerned. I can identify with his choice to write the pep talk, but I am not convinced his motives are as "geniune" as mine are when I give people pep talks. There is a difference between wanting to inspire others to help themselves...and just being busy or lazy or inconsiderate!

Also, the truth is, getting around California without the aid of a car is terribly difficult. Getting a TV, groceries, etc during your first week in a new home is completely feasible...yet these are all things that really shouldn't be done by bike, or even by foot...let alone while you're injured. There is no doubt that you'll need help, and you'd think if anyone would want to help you, it would be your boyfriend! Hence, I completely understand your concern.

There is always the possibility that maybe you didn't express your needs for his help in a way that he could understand and you are hoping he'll read your mind. I fall into this trap all the time, where I don't want to impede on other people, so don't mention how much i need their help. But still, I think if this guy is worth his weight in gold (and you do deserve someone who is), then he would see that you're new to town and WANT to offer his services. I would think he would WANT to be around you as much as possible. When you care about someone, don't you want to help them? See them? Speak with them? Especially when you know they're down, lonely, or need help???

I've found if you feel something isn't quite right, it usually isn't. I'd listen to your intuition. The fact that you've brought up this concern probably means that you know it's not quite right. I am not into playing games or being manipulative, but for your own sake, I would not contact him...wait and see how long it takes for him to contact you. I think this is a good indicator to find out just how high of a priority he has made you in his life. When he does contact you, tell him your concern in a straight forward way. If he mocks you or tries to pin off the responsibility on you, and makes no efforts to take your feelings into account or offer an apology, I'd say cut your loses. If he just ignores the problem, that would be bad, too. Communication, trust, openness are all things that are so important in a relationship--imagine being with this person for the long term. Would you want to be with someone who doesn't feel the desire to make your life better? You would deserve better than that.

Someone recommended a book to me which I will recommend in return. It's very humorous, and hopefully will give you an idea as to what you deserve..and you can assess your situation, and see if you're getting your needs met:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0689874 ... readerpage

That's about all the advice I can offer, not knowing all the nitty gritty details, but I wish you the best of luck in this situation!

Anonymous Game Developer #1
PS. You're in Pasadena?? What part? I used to live there!

Steffi Evenstar · #12 Post by **Steffi Evenstar** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 9:08 pm

thanks, AGDI! you rock my socks. :)

and i'm about 3 blocks from the Paseo Colorado, so i'm right downtown. i love it here, despite the fact the earth keeps shaking.

and, it's an odd situation ... we're not at the "boyfriend/girlfriend" state, but we're beyond "friends" ... it's that whole purgatory thing.

but thank you, you're beyond cool. :)

Quest For Glory Fan · #13 Post by **Quest For Glory Fan** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 10:48 pm

Oh isn't that just the absolute worst state of relationship? It's more aggravating than anything ever! It's like hmm I like you but how much? And on top of that it's also like I like you but do you like me? It's the stage that always makes me cracck and just come right out and tell them. More times than not I'll do it to soon. Just so frustrating to live on the edge like that though

Brainiac · #14 Post by **Brainiac** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 1:36 am

VampD3 wrote:I wouldn't contact him and tell him how you feel as most men don't care that much. Well they care but aren't bothered by it.

Most, not all, Vamp. I for one always care if my friends have a problem with me. Honest discourse can solve so much.

Personally, I'd say give him a piece of your mind and then wait for him to apologize. If he's a real man, he will admit when he screws up.

Gronagor · #15 Post by **Gronagor** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 7:56 am

Hey Brainiac. Sometimes a real man knows when to leave a girl alone. Stop your nonsense.

Blackthorne519 · #16 Post by **Blackthorne519** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:07 am

Gronagor wrote:Hey Brainiac. Sometimes a real man knows when to leave a girl alone. Stop your nonsense.

Hahahaha.

Okay, I'm going to start a group called "The Fans of Gronagor" and WE'RE going to sponsor your posts!!!!

Bt

Gronagor · #17 Post by **Gronagor** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 10:03 am

Heh!

Was actually referring to Brainiac's 'stalking' tricks. He's been targeting a few girls and kids in the community for well over a year now. Neverending PMs, targets them in discussions (IRC and forums).

Like the second part of his post above. That was an obvious referral to one of his victims.

Brainiac... you've been 'marked' by the moderators of most of the forum you visit in this community. What is your problem?

Brainiac · #18 Post by **Brainiac** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:39 pm

I have no idea what you're talking about, Gronagor, I really don't. I have never sent neverending PMs, I don't stalk, and I don't target people. And my above opinion was just that...an opinion.

I'm aware some people have a problem with me. Fine. Let them. I won't let that affect who I am. I've always felt that people should talk out their problems, but apparently, others don't. That's their perogative, but it doesn't mean I can't try.

<end diatribe>

Quest For Glory Fan · #19 Post by **Quest For Glory Fan** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:03 pm

Strong words from a smart guy :) That may possibly be one of the best outlooks on life I've ever seen. Personnally I agree but I don't believe I'm strong enough of a person to do it. It's difficult to be your own you and still have great consideration for others but if you can pull it off more power to you. Frankly I feel the need to run with the current a little and leave some dicesions to others.

Gronagor · #20 Post by **Gronagor** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 6:04 am

Brainiac wrote: I'm aware some people have a problem with me. Fine. Let them. I won't let that affect who I am. I've always felt that people should talk out their problems, but apparently, others don't. That's their perogative, but it doesn't mean I can't try.

And actually, in response to Brainiac, it means you "shouldn't try". Continuing to do so when they've made it abundantly clear they don't want to would be considered harassment.

Tom Lewandowski · #21 Post by **Tom Lewandowski** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 7:30 am

So, should I be mad, or am I just overreacting?

Egads, is this really in question? The guy sounds like a jerk. I wouldn't treat my friends like that, let alone, someone I care for 'more than a friend.' Ahh, today's "let it all hang out - in your face" mentality. If nothing else, this gives you a good idea of what a relationship with this kind of guy would be like; selfish and one-sided. But that's just my observation based on what you posted.

Brainiac · #22 Post by **Brainiac** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 4:48 pm

So Steffi, can you let us know how things are going for you now (not just in relation to this)? I hope sunny CA is getting better for you.

Oh, and Gron, I agree with you on your last point, but this thread is not the place for a debate over this. Check your PMs if you want to discuss things further.

Steffi Evenstar · #23 Post by **Steffi Evenstar** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 12:17 am

life is going quite well out here. i definetly made the right decision to come out here. i love pasadena, i love the weather, i don't love the earthquakes, but hey, can't all be perfect .. i love the mountains, i love the palm trees .... i'm happy. and brandon ... well, i got some very interesting information on him from a very reliable source, which stated that he really does have a "thing" for me, and lately, we've been having a lot of conversations which last at least 3 hours ... last night was 5. even though it was on IM, i generally can't talk to anyone that long. so, i'm thinking he's trying to work out something which is very, very, very new to him - he's never had a girlfriend before - and he might not realize that some of the things he's doing aren't very nice. however, things are going a hell of a lot better in that regard.

i started classes today ... and i'm exhausted. i have hebrew prophets for the next two weeks, and then i'm done with that. concurrently, i'm also taking Hebrew, and will be until August 29th. Hebrew is tough! argh! Vildern, help!

Quest For Glory Fan · #24 Post by **Quest For Glory Fan** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 12:58 am

that will be my best birthday present this year. The day after Steffi stops taking hebrew courses.

Klytos · #25 Post by **Klytos** » Wed Jun 22, 2005 10:26 am

Steffi Evenstar wrote:and, it's an odd situation ... we're not at the "boyfriend/girlfriend" state, but we're beyond "friends" ... it's that whole purgatory thing.

Purgatory. That is such a cool way of looking at it! You've made my day. :D

Should I be ticked off?

Should I be ticked off?

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