Ok first of all I am sorry what I said in yesterday but I was not in my happy mood. :o

When I trying to find another interesting link for the cirkus in my last time I came into this page wich really opened my mind. And right now I am finally understanding me better now.
Interesting to learn what I have learn about myself now?
http://www.learntarot.com/
But this is tarotpage wich I can learn about what they means. But three cards has spoken the truth about myself. :rolleyes
This is the first card wich is about me and my behavior here.
The fool
Actions.
beginning
entering a new phase
striking out on a new path
expanding horizons
starting something new
beginning an adventure
going on a journey
heading into the unknown
being spontaneous
living in the moment
letting go of expectations
doing the unexpected
acting on impulse
feeling uninhibited
surprising someone
feeling carefree
having faith
trusting the flow
staying open
letting go of worry and fear
feeling protected and loved
living in joy
recapturing innocence
believing
embracing folly
accepting your choices
taking the "foolish" path
pursuing a pipe dream
being true to yourself
taking a "crazy" chance
trusting your heart's desire
There are so much truth in this words.
When I started to hate myself and wished I was dead because everything I do are just worthless and everybody loves to laugh at me because I'm just a fool to everybody I went to read more on other cards to leaqrn the truth about myself and came at this one wich also speaks the truth about me. And that opened my mind why I was feeling so sad.
Hanging man
ACTIONS
letting go
having an emotional release
accepting what is
surrendering to experience
ending the struggle
being vulnerable and open
giving up control
accepting God's will
reversing
turning the world around
changing your mind
overturning old priorities
seeing from a new angle
upending the old order
doing an about-face
suspending action
pausing to reflect
feeling outside of time
taking time to just be
giving up urgency
living in the moment
waiting for the best opportunity
sacrificing
being a martyr
renouncing a claim
putting self-interest aside
going one step back to go two steps forward
giving up for a higher cause
putting others first
And do you know why I am getting stronger now. Well it is what this card says. I just have to accept my life how it is now. |I
Strength
ACTIONS
showing strength
knowing you can endure
having a gallant spirit
feeling an unshakable resolve
taking heart despite setbacks
having stamina
being a rock
being patient
dealing calmly with frustration
accepting others
taking time
maintaining composure
refusing to get angry
showing forbearance
being compassionate
giving others lots of space
tolerating
understanding what others are feeling
accepting
forgiving imperfection
being kind
achieving soft control
persuading
working with
guiding indirectly
being able to influence
tempering force with benevolence
demonstrating the strength of love
This is what I have always trying to do here but still that first card The fool is still affecting me. I was like in that Hanging Man card but I am feeling better now and I am going to learn more on those Tarot cards. They speaks the truth at least for me. I know I sound weird now but I am really getting better now. I am not on any drug if you thought about that. I was just angry about myself and how my live was wasted but after reading those words what those Tarot cards means I am finally understanding who I am. At least the Strength card describe me best now.
And no this was never about what SIS said to me. This personal problem is something I have being fighting since I was 17 years old and I am still fighting it. I am not sick if you thought that. But when I was on that age I tryed to kill myself and well I am still alive and trying to see the light in my life. The Black Sky game was going to be my new hope of my happy future but I blew it and that is why I was again thinking about my death again. But like I said I am always trying to ignore that thought and trying to see the light and the hope for the better future.
I still can't beleave I am still alive being without job in 5 years living with parents who are getting so tired of me but hey they still love me even I sometimes make arguement with them and my younger brother are going to move from the house in near the end of the year and he is going to take his own computer with him. Yes that's right the computer I am using right now. When that happens I can no longer be here unless I get my own computer. I have tryed and tryed to apply for a job but nothing happens. I am always ignored. That's why I am really hating myself. That's why I really wanted to hurry on this game. But times I have left here are so short now and I can never make big game again unless ...well you know now why. I know I am a wimp.

And those guy from SIS are wimp too but I am more wimp than they are. They got friends and propably much better to do than write bullshit like this. :cry
Ok enough of this. Since I am back I am going to be stronger now because I am a big figthter who keeps fighting even I am still a fool and wishing to be dead now.
BTW 8 August is my father's birthday but he is 62 year old now. But please save it. Don't wish for him happy birthday ok. He is not even a member here.
I am going to give him a better pillow so he can sleep better in every nights because he snore so aloud and he is always so angry at me on every morning. I blame his old pilliow for that.
